we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
