The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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