She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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