she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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