Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
