Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
