I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
