Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
