when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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