I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize