my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.