Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street