I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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