mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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