I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
