If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
