i don't like sucking hair
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
