I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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