Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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