Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
