she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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