So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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