Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
