i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
