Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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