I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
