By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
