ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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