I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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