It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
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Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
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I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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