I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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