guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
