She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I stole a fireplace last night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
