Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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