P.S. I can't hear my feet
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
