From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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