bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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