This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
