Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think people are normalizing furries
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
