I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
