well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We got so high we made milksteak
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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