see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
