there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
