Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
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Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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