last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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