My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
