I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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