he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
