ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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