She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
