so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
