Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
