Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
