U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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