I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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