I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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