Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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