handjob tips. give me some.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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