He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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